I recently learned something that’s been really liberating for me and my kids. Stress, no matter the apparent source, always comes from the same place. It comes from our unwillingness or inability to accept what is…to accept our current circumstances. The solution? Acceptance. Accept the here-and-now, and the stress seems to miraculously dissolve.

Now let’s shift gears for a sec. All too often, we cope with our stress through unhealthy means. Booze? Shopping? Netflix and Chill? Then, before we know it, these unhealthy strategies become habits which can, and often do, become addictions. They create marital crisis, health crisis, financial crisis in our lives.

But these behaviors are not the problem. They’re symptoms, coping mechanisms, signals of deeper wounds we can no longer tolerate. But this misperception; seeing the unhealthy habits as the problem…it prevents us from seeing (and feeling) the truth; our needs. And our cultural blindness perpetuates the human suffering that caused the behavior in the first place.

We think the answer to harmful behaviors is abstinence. “Why can’t you just quit?” But…

The solution to addiction isn’t sobriety.
The solution to self harm isn’t self discipline.
The solution to overspending isn’t frugality.
The solution to promiscuity isn’t abstinence.
The solution to overeating isn’t dieting.

The solution to them all…is connection.

We, the families and friends of those who are struggling, need to stop focusing on an individual’s moral “failing” and start recognizing their moral flailing. Somebody left. Somebody lied. Somebody neglected. Somebody ridiculed. Somebody betrayed. Sometimes all of the above. If we care…we need to find ways to heal what’s really hurting, rather than add to it with lectures, disappointment, and shame.

In the same way we can’t win the war by focusing on war….but instead we focus on peace. We can’t fight infidelity with abstinence. We can only ever heal it through awareness and connection. We can’t fight drug abuse with sobriety. We can only heal it through meaningful relationships and love. This isn’t just a nice idea; it’s a therapeutic and scientific reality.

It usually starts early! Sometimes tragically early. We are wired to belong, but somebody broke our sense of belonging. When that deep, innate need goes unmet, pain follows—and with it, harmful coping, then, at best…a long climb out.

The most powerful thing you can give a loved one isn’t advice about self-control. It’s your presence, your undivided attention, your compassion, and your love.

Just as the solution to stress, no matter the source, is acceptance… the solution to their pain is connection.

#loveisaverb