“The size of the gap between your passion and the amount of time you spend immersed in it is equal to the size of your unhappiness.“
Hey guys! It’s Dad.
We tend to be creatures of habit; creatures of comfort. But sometimes comfort, security, and safety rob you of your riches; your best, happiest, most love filled lives.
It’s true that horses may choose to actually, if sufficiently spooked, run back into their barns, into their stalls…even if the barn is on fire! They’ve been know to stay inside, “safe,” in spite of the grave circumstances; in spite of how hot it is, until they finally pass away…more afraid of what’s “out there” than they are of the enduring their suffering their in their “safe place.”
Just as you guys feel comfort and safety at home, in our family room or in your bedrooms, horses feel safe in their stalls. It’s what they know. It’s what they trust. If the horses could somehow know that they’d actually be safer, healthier, happier outside, they’d certainly choose that.
That’s why I’m writing this. Clearly not about the horses, but in hopes that you’ll see that just because we think something is “safe” maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s just familiar. Just because we’re taught by those whose responsibility it is to protect and guide us, that “this is the wisest path” maybe they’re wrong. Maybe the life plans that have been laid out before us aren’t actually safe after all.
Are the paths that our parents, coaches, and pastors point to certain? Perhaps (but probably not).
Are those paths safe? Perhaps (we couldn’t possibly know.)
Are they rich and dynamic and fulfilling and transformational and purposeful and vibrant? Almost certainly not.
This unfulfilling and dispassionate path is so frequently and heavily trodden that it acts almost like a funnel, luring the unwitting to the same, predictable, cliched ends; Cheating on spouses, spending money they don’t have, leaning on vices that always always take more than they give. More times than not, the folks hiking on this trail leave a wake of heartache and destruction behind them as they reluctantly fall back in line with what society deems as a “happy and healthy life.” Safe.
So grab my hand. I want to take you on a hike. It’s a hike down a path that most people have already taken. It’s the one I took, and my parents before me, and their parents before them. It’s the same one that many of your friends are on too. But we’re not taking this hike because it’s beautiful. Like pointing out poison oak on a walk through the forest, differentiating dangerous mushrooms or snakes and spiders from harmless ones…beautiful ones. We’re taking this hike so you recognize risks and rewards as you stumble upon them in your future.
I’ll show you a potentially deadly path because I want you to recognize early and avoid it at all costs. One filled with soul sucking, spirit smashing responsibilities and energy sapping obligations. It’s often littered with monotony and boredom. It’s overflowing with truly well-intentioned but misguided signs and advice…pointing in the wrong directions. It’s filled with confusion and conflict and lies and greed and deceit and false promises of “success” and a distorted view of true happiness.
So here it is! The path.
It starts when you’re born.
If you’re fortunate (and you are fortunate) you’re loved and cared for as an infant, a baby, and a toddler. You’re exposed to aches and pains and life and love. Then you go to pre-school where you’re virtually immediately labeled as “advanced for his age” or “she is underdeveloped in terms of her ability to…”
These labels are then passed on to your kindergarten teachers so kindergarten teachers can help you fill in your gaps and weaknesses, oftentimes without pointing out your strengths and discovering your talents and passions.
This goes on and on through the next 14 years of your life. If you’re fortunate (and again…you are fortunate) elementary, middle, and high school will set you up to spend 4 to 8 more years (or more) in college so that you can get a good job.
For most of us, 19 of the first 23 years of our lives will be spent in the public education system. When we’re done we can look for the jobs that we’ve been educated and coached and encouraged to secure. Sure, we’ll be strapped with a mountain of debt (the average college graduates with nearly $35,000 in debt, but it’s more like $200,000 of interest loaded debt for students in the medical/psychological fields). But we’ll be well qualified to start our jobs and pay it all off over the next ten years or so.
Once we’ve got that job that has good pay, good benefits, vacation days, medical and dental coverage, maybe a retirement program, and so on… we get started on the longest chapter of our lives.
For most of us we’ll spend the next thirty to forty years working at that job, or at similar jobs, or doing the same thing for a different company. We’ll probably get married, buy a home, raise a family, retire, then hopefully…at 100 years old or more, with lots of happy memories…we’ll pass away peacefully, surrounded by the ones we’ve loved.
As we get deeper into this longest chapter of our lives there will be days when we’re tired, sick, uninspired, exhausted, burned out, sad. Some days, at best, we’ll be bored of the unrelenting tasks and responsibilities waiting for us at work and at home. At worst, we’ll feel the insurmountable pressure to continue, disease sets in (dis-ease), along with a longing for something different. A deep, innate pulling and aching to do what we love, to be loved in a way we always wanted to be loved…even to simply remember what we love.
But we’re committed now. Cuffed to the burdens of financial and physical responsibilities, a social constructs followed and mental obligations from our prior choices…(or the choices that were truly made for us.) we attended schools, got jobs, and entered relationships we never intended to be in. Yet here we are.
This is the path…THE path…to success and happiness in America. Or so I’ve been told. Or so I’ve been sold. It’s the only path we seem to know. It’s the only path we teach because it’s the only path we’ve been taught.
Although it works for some (far fewer than it appears, looking at rates of drug and alcohol abuse, infidelity, insurmountable debt, midlife crisis, etc.) this is a path that, more often than not, leads to pressures and stresses that we can’t seem to manage, and most of us aren’t adequately equipped to (cuz we haven’t been taught otherwise) So we cope using less than healthy coping “strategies,” from infidelity to food to drugs to gambling to drinking to “Just a little retail therapy…ha ha.” We search for relief. We search for release. We search for love and appreciation. For passion. For life. OUR life.
It’s ok though. It’s better than OK. Right? We’ve got a secure job! So the 18, 20, 30 year financial commitments we make tie us to our careers for life. That’s not a bad thing right? And…I mean…if we don’t like our “chosen” career paths…at least the rigors of our youth taught us perseverance and discipline, they taught us to forsake the now for a possible better later; a later that all too often never comes.
But what if, as you grow, you learn that you don’t actually like your career? You’re 30 now. You’re 48 now. What if you don’t like the career path you chose (or the one that was chosen for you) when you were 14? You’re stuck!
With very few exceptions, at no point in your first 23 years will anyone truly, passionately, ask you what you actually want to do in your life.
What we weren’t taught or coached through or led from a higher vantage point is simply this:
There are other paths.
But for so many of us…nearly every one of us who dreamed about being an actor, an astronaut, the president, an athlete…our guardians, with love and care in their hearts…slowly…methodically…relentlessly…even unconsciously dissolved our hopes and extinguished our dreams.
Nothing can crush the heart of a passionate dreamer faster than hearing the the ones you know and love and trust telling us it’s just not gonna happen. “Yes honey…but don’t you think you’d be better off if you just…”
And all this…before you really get a chance to make it happen.
“I know you like playing in your band. You guys are amazing. But it’s not like you can make a living playing music, honey. Be serious now. Sure…Keep playing! I’ll always support your passions. But it’s probably time you start thinking about a real career. Don’t you think?”
Or
“Of course you’re good at Football. You’re not just good. You’re phenomenal, and it’s clear that you love it. But very few people ever make it to the NFL, son. And what if you get hurt? I want you to be realistic about your chances and really look into responsible career opportunities in case this doesn’t work out.”
Or
Said with a loving heart and a loving smile…”I love that you love cooking! You really could be a great chef, but opening a restaurant is a risky business! Do you know that over 90% of all restaurants fail within the first five years? I mean…keep cooking. Maybe get a job at a restaurant. But let’s make sure you at least get your business degree which would always help you run your restaurant. Right?”
The rebel in me, the angry kid in me, wants to stick my middle finger up and say,
“YEAH DAD? Really? Do YOU know that 100% of all restaurants that never open…fail!?!?!?! Do you see the numbers of people suffering from depression and disease because they’re miserable? What about that, mom? What about them? What about ME?”
In the first chapter of your life there is little to no exposure to the performing arts. No paths toward careers in mechanical, architectural, or civil engineering, fine arts, wood work, metal fabrications, entrepreneurship, etc. And as young people digest the disappointment of the lack of faith and support they’re receiving from the world around them, they’re missing the very things that makes life most worth living…
…love and passion and eagerness and enthusiasm and an adventurous spirit and not just a willingness to fail…but the full acceptance and anticipation that there will be failures…and it’s OK. It’s better than OK. It’s fantastic!
I want you to see this path…all the paths…much earlier than I did, earlier than most. I want you to see it so you can learn from others’ mistakes, and from mine. So you can choose another path…
…your path.
Guys! Nobody can know what’s best for you better than you can. Yeah. I’ve been around the block, so I know some things that you’ll want to avoid. I know the timeless, self-evident truths and principles like kindness and honesty and that we truly are one…
…I know not to run into a burning barn…cuz it’s not safe.
I hope you sing. I hope you make people smile. I hope you bake. I hope you paint. I hope you eat food from your garden and light candles you’ve made with your own hands. I hope you give. I hope you love.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls.”
~ Joseph Campbell
I love you,
5 Words
Dad
Harvesting Insights 