Let’s Ask Better Questions.
Over the years…behind the bar, across coffee tables, and between late-night confessions…I’ve heard one question more times than I can count:
“Should we stay together for the kids, or just end it and move on?”
It’s a common question; an understandable question. But it’s the wrong question.
In my humble opinion, our duty as parents is not to stay married for our children’s sake, but to love each other for their sake. Not to white-knuckle it through betrayal, resentment, and the silent treatment…so we cans endure one another under the same roof…but to seek, again and again, the sparks that make that roof a home.
So if we do stay together “for the kids,” then let it not be out of duty, but out of devotion. Let the benefit to them be the byproduct of a relationship that still thrives and still strives toward joy. And if you can’t forgive (yourself or your partner) then the environment you’re in isn’t serving anyone at all.
We don’t have a right to stay miserable and unfulfilled…then, to our family and close friends, blame our misery and longing for more on our kids. I’m promise, the fallout from that level of misguided efforts will bite harder than any breakup.
Love can survive mistrust, boredom, disappointment, even betrayal…if both hearts are willing to heal. Few things are more powerful to a child than witnessing two imperfect people choosing, every day, to try again.
Of course, there are exceptions. When there is abuse within the relationship, and/or the emotional or physical well-being of a child is at risk, it’s time to go. Love deserves honor and reverence, not endurance.
But as I see it, in all other cases, perhaps a better question isn’t should we stay or should split? Perhaps it is, how can we learn to love again, not as we were or who we were, but how we are and who we are.
I’ve seen couples reconcile in the quiet of a closing bar, and others realize, with tears and relief, that it was time to let go.
In the end, the right answer to the wrong question won’t help. But if we can ask a better question…maybe that’s where love begins again.
Can I forgive myself? Can I forgive my partner? Can I create and maintain a happy, healthy, warm, intimate, safe environment at home, or is it time for me to go build that elsewhere…for everyone’s sake?
Look inward. Listen to your gut (Not your heart. Not your mind.) A whole, healthy, happy “you” a function of a whole, healthy, happy relationships.
Harvesting Insights 