What does a dog know…of the beauty of Fiji if the beautifully captured, glossy, full-color pictures of its clear blue waters and its white sandy beaches are rolled tightly into the travel magazine that its owner uses to smack her with? She learned that…”When dad has that thing…he’s gonna hit me with it again.”
This blog: It’s not about you. It’s not about me. It’s about everyone else. It’s about planting seeds, then having the patience and kindness and love to tend to them.
As a parent, a teacher, a coach, a friend, a spouse…we may not know all of the traumas and experiences that those we share time with have endured. We do, however, know that when we see unhealthy behaviors; lashing out, misdirected anger, neglect, unhealthy coping skills, shutting down…that those are survival skills. These behaviors were learned, and the victims of those traumatic events will use those behaviors (often unconsciously) to survive.
A dog’s unconscious flinching when its owner picks up a magazine to sit down and relax after dinner (or a person’s seemingly irrational behaviors or receding inward or inappropriately acting outward) has been learned; learned, then reinforced. So what unintended consequence happens when a toddler in that home rolls up that same magazine to use it like a baseball bat in his play room? The outcome could be tragic, traumatic, but will virtually always be the result of an unconscious reaction by the dog.
I recall, at 18 or 19, walking with my girlfriend at the time, her father, and his wife. Out of respect, I’ll call him Mr. Wilson. Mr. and Mrs. Wilson were treating us to an amazing dinner at the cutest (and bougiest) little restaurant I’d ever been to called Le Brasserie in Oakland, CA. As we crossed the busy street I faintly heard a “pop” that sounded like a little like a gunshot or perhaps the backfire of a nearby car. This barely audible sound immediately sent her father diving between two parked cars. I was horrified. I had no idea what had happened.
There we were; three of us, standing in the third lane of a busy Oakland street, heartbroken. Mr. Wilson, a strong and beautiful man…a veteran of a war that had ended 10 years prior, was hiding between two cars across the street from Lake Merrit in a beautiful part of town. His khakis now dirty, his heart racing, his wide eyes holding back tears, his emotions appeared to be ricocheting between fearing for his life, ashamed of his “behavior”, sad, and ultimately defeated. It was only through his courage, his grace that we still ended up having an unforgettable dinner anyway.
It’s horrible, what we’ve endured. Each of us! All of us.
The more severe these traumas are, the fewer times someone needs to experience them in order to brandish their unconscious fight or flight responses. The more severe the traumas, the longer those fight or flight responses stand obediently by our sides, making sure we don’t experience the same thing again, because…very seriously speaking…sometimes we might not be able (or even willing) to survive a “next time.”
These traumas that we’ve lived through…they change us. How can you truly trust after you’ve been betrayed? How can you get close to someone when the last time you got close to someone you endured physical and/or emotional trauma that you may never heal from? How can you stop that flinching when the ones who were supposed to love you…abandoned you? When the ones who, with one hand on their heart swore to never hurt you…and with the other drove the knife in and twisted it? The ones you thought would protect you, your mind, your body, your heart…hurt you the most…because you trusted them? Each slap stings the skin but breaks the heart.
Be mindful that so many of us are not always, completely, perfectly in control of our reactions and behaviors. Give the grace and patience and forgiveness that you want to feel.
So now what?
If you’ve ever deeply lost someone, if you’ve ever been abused to your core, you know that time doesn’t heal all wounds. It just doesn’t. So how can we help? How can we “be” in a way that calms, that heals, that comforts, that empathizes?
It may sound cliche, but it’s this simple: Love.
I hesitate to add this quote, this verse, but I will in order to make a point. This famous quote isn’t about marriage. It’s about how we need to “be” in order to help others “be” more securely, peacefully, more joyfully, and less fearfully. It’s how we can help those around us heal and learn to live fully again. So please, even if just this once, don’t let this take you to memories of countless weddings. See it, read it, hear it as it might pertain to your siblings, your colleagues, your kids…and yes…your spouse or partner.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
And why did I “bold” the short selections above? Because it’s that simple.
Be patient. Be kind. Never stop loving.
The patience, kindness, dependability, durability of the love you give is key. Plant the seeds, then don’t give up on them like others have. Love them. And when you think it’s never going to work…BELIEVE that even the smallest seeds have taken root. They’re just days away from breaking through the soil and seeing the sunlight for the first time. Don’t. Give. Up.
Love: It works with everyone. It works with everything. It works every time…
…even if you can’t see it…
…yet.
Harvesting Insights 